


everything i did, i can take it back

by ClairvoyantDreamer1011



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, But it's really minor so don't worry, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Loads of Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, So sue me, just a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 01:25:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14801726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClairvoyantDreamer1011/pseuds/ClairvoyantDreamer1011
Summary: People have been telling him all his life that true love could never bring him pain – that he’ll feel complete and cherished and loved instead. Isabelle had told him that after her break-up with Raphael; Jace had told him that when he found out that Clary was his sister; and even his own mother had said that the best type of love was the type where you love instead of getting hurt.But sitting in Magnus’ arms right that second, he realized that they were all wrong.[In which Magnus returns from Edom stripped of his powers and Alec is afraid he'll leave him because of it. Screaming, tears and insecurities ensue.]





	everything i did, i can take it back

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Clary here, and yes, this is indeed Clarissa Fairchild writing Malec fanfics under the guise of ClairvoyantDreamer1011 because Alec is too salty an asshole to let me gush about their relationship in public. (I wish) Anyway, this has been on my mind since watching the finale and since exams are over (for now) I decided to pour out all the angst I've accumulated in the past month into this tiny lil' fic. I apologize for any mistakes as I haven't written anything for nearly a year but I hope you enjoy!
> 
> *TRIGGER WARNING : There are slight mentions of panic attacks in the fic, so if you feel uncomfortable with that, then please do not read further. I'll be posting much fluffier Malec fics in the future so maybe check those out instead? :)

Alec woke up to an empty bed, his heart clenching as he realized that the familiar warmth he craves is gone. His eyes open gradually, a yawn escaping his lips. A shiver ran down his spine as he begun to register the chill he feels in his bones despite the thick layers of blankets covering him.

A small smile stretched across his face almost subconsciously. _Magnus_ , he thought. The warlock never really did let go of the fact that Alec had missed their one month anniversary date (which seemed so long ago) because of a cold.

“I booked us a reservation at Aragawa last _month_ since you liked their Sanda beef so much, and then there’s the Carnival in Venice that you’ve been dying to go to and – “ Magnus had ranted while Alec stifled a smile and a sneeze before the warlock sighed and conjured up some Chinese takeout – steamed dumplings for Alec and Sze Chuan Mein for himself, as always – and popcorn.

They’d ended up watching Twilight, cuddled up with each other while screaming at the screen and throwing popcorn at each other. Or rather, Magnus had screeched at the tragedy of a film, Alec mostly watched his boyfriend in amusement. _Boyfriend_ , Alec had marvelled, still giddy at the thought that Magnus - beautiful, kind, _amazing_ Magnus was _his_.

Sitting up with a smile plastered on his face, Alec called out Magnus’ name. When no response came, he glanced at the small clock on the wall that he’d insisted on putting up after arriving late at the Institute for the nth time. Alec frowned. It was only nine in the morning, usually Magnus wouldn’t be seen anywhere off the bed before ten.

“Magnus?” he called out again, his hands fumbling over the buttons on his shirt as he walked out their bedroom. The sight of a mop of disheveled raven hair greeted him as he entered the living room. Alec’s frown deepened. Never in his life had he seen Magnus’ hair so unkempt, not even that time when they had decided to skip their night out and stay home cuddling instead.

“Magnus,” he said softly, his hand reaching out to craddle his lover’s cheek. “Are you okay?”

Magnus flinched away from his touch and oh, how Alec’s heart burned. The shadowhunter’s hand trembled as he stepped forward to look at his love.

Angry, hate-filled eyes stared back at him.

Alec stiffened, his breath catching in his throat.

“Love, what happ – “

A dry, humourless laugh tore out of the warlock’s lips. And all of a sudden, it seemed as though something had snapped.

“What happened? You of all people want to know what happened?” Magnus snarled as he stood up, his shoulders trembling with barely concealed rage. “I lost everything, Alec, everything! And you want to know what happened?”

“Magnus, please, this isn’t you,”  Alec croaked, his voice hoarse as he tried to keep himself from panicking. _No, no, no, this can’t – Magnus can’t_ leave _, he_ cannot _leave. He can’t, he_ promised _. He -_

“This isn’t me?” Magnus laughed, the bitter, ugly sound echoing through the apartment. “No, this isn’t. But I guess when you lose everything that made you who you were, you tend to change.” His dark brown eyes were ablaze with hatred as he hissed, “Camille was right. I should have never gotten involved with your kind, _shadowhunter_.”

“No, Magnus, please, this isn’t – you can’t,” Alec stuttered out, he could feel a panic attack coming and god, please, not now. He needed to let Magnus know that he can’t live without him – that, that he needs him and he can’t breathe. He needs to breathe. And he can’t –

“I can’t what? I’ve given you everything! I gave you the world, Alexander! And you just,” Magnus scoffed, his hands flailing around angrily. “You just took and took and took! You let me go to Edom for your parabatai because you couldn’t lose him. But you were willing to let me burn in the deepest pits of Hell because what? You loved me?”

Alec’s eyes burned with unshed tears. He choked out, “Yes! I d-do! I l-love you and I need you and I’m sorry!” His voice cracked as he reached out to Magnus, his hand shaking so obviously that he could barely touch the warlock’s cheek before he pulled away. I need you, Alec wanted to scream, I need you so badly that I can barely breathe at the thought of you leaving me.

Magnus’ cat eyes flashed and for a moment, just a moment, Alec could see the pain and agony in his eyes before he turned away. Alec choked back a sob when Magnus raised his arms to wipe at his face. _It’s hurting you,_ Alec thought, _so why are you doing this? Just come back to me and I’ll make it right. I promise! **Just come back to me.** Please. I promise, I’ll stop hurting you. Just, please!_

When Magnus finally turned around to face him, Alec thought that maybe everything was going to fine. They were going to be fine. They _had_ to be fine, he hoped desperately because he doesn’t think that he’ll be able to go through the pain of watching Magnus leave for a second time without completely breaking.

But then he smiled and it’s like a dam had burst.

_No_ , Alec thought, tears streaming down his face as he stepped forward to hold on to Magnus.

But the man was already walking out the door.

_“Goodbye, Alexander.”_

“Magnus, we-we can w-work this out! Please! _I love you_!”

_“You once asked me what I was afraid of…It’s this.”_

“I-I’ll go to Edom and get y-your powers back just _please_! I’ll kill myself if I have to, Magnus!”

_“Tell me Jace isn’t worth it.”_

“I wish our paths had never crossed…and you should too, shadowhunter.”

_“I love you, Alexander.”_

“Goodbye, Alec.”

* * *

 

“-xander, it’s okay. Everything is okay, darling, it’s okay,” Magnus shushed, his hand sifting through Alec’s hair while he looked at his love in worry. “It was just a bad dream.”

Alec’s eyes snapped open, his lips forming a scream before Magnus pulled him into a hug. “M-Magnus,” the shadowhunter started, his voice coming out shakily as his arms clutched at his boyfriend like a lifeline. “I’m sorry, I’m s-so sorry. I need you – and I – and I, I can’t –“

_Panic attack_ , Magnus thought, his heart breaking for what seemed like the tenth time that morning since he heard Alec scream for him not to leave in his sleep. “Alexander, I know you’re scared but I need you to breathe with me, darling, can you do that?”

Alec shook his head, his hands trembling as he pulled Magnus’ face near to his. “No, you don’t understand,” he whimpered, his lips quivering. “I need you. And I, I will never be able to l-live with myself if I hurt you and god, I did, didn’t I? I hurt you so many goddamn times and I just – I just want to give you everything but I don’t know how to do it and I –“

Magnus placed his finger on his lips and shot him a watery smile, tears clumping his long lashes together as he whispered, “I don’t know which part of ‘I’m not going anywhere’ that you don’t understand, but here’s the deal – When you love someone, it’s about giving everything you have without ever expecting anything in return,” Magnus smiled, touching his forehead to Alec’s as he continued, “That’s what I did and will continue to do for you until my last breath because that’s what love is and god knows I love you more than I have ever loved anyone.”

“But I _didn’t_ – I haven’t given you _enough_ -”

“You, Alexander, you have given me more than anyone ever has and for the love of Lilith, I would give up my powers all over again if it meant that _you_ could live with all the happiness in the world.”

Alec stared into Magnus’ eyes, sobs tearing through his lips. “I love you. I love you _. I love you_ ,” he gasped, because by the Angel, he doesn’t think that he’ll ever love anyone even a fraction close to the way he loves Magnus. And he knows that people have been telling him all his life that true love would never bring him pain – that he’ll feel complete and cherished and loved instead. Isabelle had told him that after her break-up with Raphael; Jace had told him that when he found out that Clary was his sister; and even his own mother had said that the best type of love was the type where you _love_ instead of getting hurt.

But sitting in Magnus’ arms right that second, Alec could feel a smile forming on his lips. They were all wrong, he realized.

Because when you love someone, you give and give and give. And eventually, you’ll run out of things to give and all that’s left is pain and hurt and emptiness. But along the way, someone will love you back and they’ll never stop giving until they end up hurting too because that’s what love is. You give, you hurt and you love.

And looking at Magnus, Alec knew that if he had to feel as much pain as he did loving someone, he would be happy hurting for the rest of his life if it meant he had the chance to love Magnus.

**Author's Note:**

> I love making my OTP suffer and then make up. It's a huge character flaw. So, how was it? Tell me what you thought about it in the comments! Constructive criticism is always, always appreciated. Until next time! :)
> 
> *Btw, the title of this fic comes from the song "Panic Attacks" by Elohim.


End file.
